How becoming less accessible can revolutionize your relationships and success
In a world where instant responses and constant availability have become the norm, deliberately stepping back from this always-on mentality may be one of the most powerful psychological shifts you can make. Legitimate research consistently shows that creating healthy boundaries around your accessibility not only preserves your mental health but can fundamentally transform your personal and professional relationships.
The Psychology of Scarcity
The scarcity principle, identified by Dr. Robert Cialdini in his influential book “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion,” demonstrates that humans naturally place higher value on things that are less available. Cialdini defines this principle simply: “Opportunities seem more valuable to us when their availability is limited.” This psychological principle extends beyond physical items to include people and their time.
When something becomes scarce, our brains respond by focusing intently on it. This natural response can be leveraged ethically and effectively in both personal and professional contexts.
How Strategic Unavailability Transforms Relationships
The Selective Approach Works Better Than Complete Unavailability
Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that making yourself too difficult to reach can backfire. The most attractive approach isn’t playing completely “hard-to-get” but rather being selective with your time and attention. Studies show that while people prefer easily available partners for casual interactions, they find those with moderate availability more desirable for serious relationships.
This selective approach signals that your time is valuable and that you have standards, without pushing people away entirely. It transforms how others perceive your worth and can lead to more meaningful connections.
The Science Behind the “Chase”
A 2020 study from the University of Rochester and the Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya discovered that immediate reciprocation of interest may not always be the most effective attraction strategy. Their research demonstrated that a degree of uncertainty about someone’s interest can increase mental preoccupation with that person.
However, this comes with an important caveat – researchers emphasize that playing hard-to-get only works when the pursuer believes their efforts may eventually succeed. Complete unavailability simply drives people away.
Professional Benefits of Strategic Unavailability
Focus and Productivity
When you’re constantly available to colleagues and clients, you create what productivity researcher Cal Newport calls “continuous partial attention” – a state where you’re never fully focused on any single task. By establishing clear boundaries around your availability, you create the conditions necessary for deep, focused work.
Studies on cognitive performance consistently show that interruptions significantly reduce work quality and increase errors. By reducing your constant availability, you protect your mental bandwidth for high-priority tasks.
Perceived Expertise and Value
Professional scarcity creates a perception of expertise and value. Consultants and specialists who limit their availability often command higher rates and greater respect. This isn’t manipulation but rather an authentic recognition that expertise is valuable and limited.
Finding the Balance: Healthy Boundaries vs. Unhealthy Distance
Creating healthy boundaries doesn’t mean becoming inaccessible. Research from Psychology Today warns that relationships exclusively built on scarcity often foster unhealthy dynamics including emotional dependence and anxiety. Healthy relationships ultimately thrive on mutual respect, communication, and consistent connection—not games of availability.
The key is balance: being selective about where and how you invest your time while maintaining genuine connection where it matters.
Practical Strategies for Ethical Application
1. Establish Clear Communication Windows
Set specific times for checking and responding to messages rather than being constantly available. This creates predictable availability that others can plan around while preserving your focus time.
2. Practice Selective Responsiveness
Not every message requires an immediate response. By thoughtfully prioritizing your communications, you train others to respect your time while ensuring important matters still receive attention.
3. Create Physical Distance When Needed
Sometimes physical separation helps maintain boundaries. Designating specific spaces or times for uninterrupted work or personal time can dramatically improve both productivity and relationship quality.
4. Be Authentic, Not Manipulative
The difference between healthy boundaries and manipulative games lies in authenticity. Strategic unavailability should stem from genuine self-respect and priorities, not from trying to manufacture artificial scarcity.
The Psychological Foundation of Value
When you value your own time and attention highly, others naturally follow suit. This isn’t about creating false scarcity but rather about recognizing that your resources are genuinely finite and precious.
By consciously choosing where to direct your limited time and attention, you make a profound statement about your worth. This mindset shift can transform not only how others see you but how you see yourself.
Sources:
- Cialdini, R. B. (2021). Influence, New and Expanded: The Psychology of Persuasion. Harper Business.
- Birnbaum, G. E., & Reis, H. T. (2020). No pain, no gain: Perceived partner mate value mediates the desire-inducing effect of being hard to get during online and face-to-face encounters. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(8-9), 2333-2355.
- Jonason, P. K., & Li, N. P. (2013). Playing hard-to-get: Manipulating one’s perceived availability as a mate. European Journal of Personality, 27(5), 458-469.
- Newport, C. (2016). Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World. Grand Central Publishing.
- Travers, M. (2025). How the Scarcity Principle Creates Unhealthy Relationships. Psychology Today.
- Worchel, S., Lee, J., & Adewole, A. (1975). Effects of supply and demand on ratings of object value. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 32(5), 906-914.
